ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
