You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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