hotel room ftw
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
