9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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