Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
