So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
