My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
