My pussy is not your playground.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
