home. puking in laundry basket.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
