Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
