Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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