Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
