It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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