you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My hand turned me down
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
