Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
