I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize