My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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