plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
