Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
