if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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