Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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