dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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