I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
