I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
