i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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