i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
