I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
