ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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