I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
