I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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