I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
