I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
