I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize