its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
