She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
