We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
