just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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