Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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