Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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