your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
