I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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