Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
