Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
