i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
