No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
