is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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