i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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