You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
