i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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