my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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