My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
