I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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