I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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