glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
