I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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