sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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