Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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