Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize