I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
