I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
