If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
