I'm sorry my penis didn't work
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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