lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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