I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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