in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
