well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize