fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
