She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
