i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
