I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize